Harry Potter and the Questionable Lifestyle
by psychedelicbubbles
Summary: Begins after POA. Harry's new relaxed personality brings drastic changes to Hogwarts; new levels of debauchery, romance, anti-romance, unnecessarily violent elves, unexpected assocations and constant questions over Vernon's mental stability. With a plot.
1. Panic and Poker

Harry Potter was missing.

Staff, friends and ministry workers paced frantically around the office of the hogwarts headmaster. The tension was doubled by the numbing drone of broken monitors that had gone into haywire when the blood wards of privet drive had collapsed. There was, however, no sign of the illustrious headmaster himself.

Minerva, Filius and Arthur Weasley had all made the journey to privet drive to try and find clues on Harry's whereabouts, but came across nothing more than Petunia and Dudley in tears, coveting a bucket of ice cream and a packet of cigarettes each. They had few words to spare for their questioners.

Within hours men and women of all professions were soon scouring the country for signs of Harry Potter, checking muggle and wizarding landmarks, houses of friends and known associates; as emergency announcements were broadcast and posters printed, hoping for news of his fate. Down in the hogwarts kitchens, a wise old man, several elves and a hook nosed bastard were partaking in the second annual hogwarts poker night.

"If I were not bound to you, rest assured Albus Dumbledore, these hands would be wrapped around your frail neck, squeezing the life out of you, cheat."

Severus lazily raised an eyebrow. "Calm down Dobby."

Dobby's furious glare turned to Snape. "Fuck you sir, fuck you."

Albus chortled merrily as the outraged elf smashed his crystal whiskey glass off the table, cursing fervently as he stormed out of the kitchen.

"I would call that a fitting conclusion to a substandard game," Severus sneered.

"Indeed," Albus nodded gravely as he helped the elves tidy away the beginners poker set he'd picked up in WH Smith. "Although, you must admit it went better than last years," he added, making sure to twinkle his eyes noticeably.

Severus nodded. Even his drinking habits could not remove the memory of Dobby's last annual rampage, the crazed elf smashed a bottle of tequila over his head. "I was picking shards of glass out of my hair for days," he moaned.

"Couldn't you just wash it out?" Albus asked, taken aback by his professor's admission.

Snape frowned. "I recall Potter sending me shampoo and raspberry conditioner, along with step by step instructions for such an occasion."

Albus stared. "Severus.. is there still glass in you're hair now?"

His collegues swift departure from the kitchens left little doubt on whether Severus had ever taken Harry's advice. He was thankfully distracted from Severus' latest low in personal hygiene by the arrival of Fawkes.

"Ah, a letter from Harry," he smiled as he opened the letter, offering his prized pheonix a few slices of roast duck from Dobby's plate.


	2. Dazed and Confused

"Albus! Albus, Harry has been missing for hours!"

Sycronised screaming by dozens of different individuals met the headmaster's ears as he entered his office. With a lazy flick of his wand they were all silenced.

"Now, I think it best you all don't worry yourselves about Harry, the young lad has proved resourceful in the past and I have no doubt he is fine," Albus smiled reassuringly while moving behind his desk. Minerva was the first to break free from his silencing charm.

"But Albus! Surely you are at the least a little concerned! I didn't want to think about it, but it is obvious to any of us the amount of control you desire to have over Mr. Potter, surely you want him back in your grasp?"

Albus chuckled.

"Take this seriously! What if he is lost, kidnapped or... Albus would you pay attention!" Minerva raged as the slightly eccentric old man rummaged in his drawers, finally withdrawing several bottles of wine and a party hat as Severus stormed impatiently into the room.

"Now, I assure you all is in order. In fact, I am on my way to a housewarming party at Harry's new residence this very evening. There is nothing to be concerned about," Albus sighed as he moved towards his door.

"But...but what is the alcohol for Professor?" a random ministry employee stuttered, pointing at the bottles sticking out of the old man's pockets.

"Harry said BYOB," Albus smiled as he left the office, leaving almost everybody confused.

"But what is BYOB?" Molly screeched frantically.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Bring your own booze."

Everyone's eyes widened. "How would you know this Severus?" Remus asked, astounded.

"I was also invited," Severus sneered as he withdrew the 2 litre plastic bottle he had filled with vodka and coke from his cloak. "If you will excuse me, some of us were invited to a party."

Utter silence filled the room after the potions master departed.

* * *

_Cheers for the reviews! I appreciate the comments, keep them coming. _:)

_I know the chapters are a bit short so far, but they will get longer soon. I'd like to say I'm just 'setting the scene', but it's laziness._


End file.
